If ..., then I am an asshole

I had a terrible time in year 2003-04. I learned a lot from my mistakes I made then. And I feel sometimes, that everyone used to have a terrible time in their life, which makes them stronger. The thing that does not kill you makes you stronger.

Hence when Amit was going on tough time last year, one part of me was happy about it. That he will turn stronger out of it. But now I wonder, does this thing really work that way. And who I am to make wish like that. For example I have only seen the problems related to love and heart. I have never seen poverty or anything dreadful like loss of your favorite people. Many people have seen worse in their life, than what i had. Will I wish that thing to happen to me, so that it will make me stronger.

I guess when we grew older day be day, we tend to get rough, in our attitude. If we face the problem that we had faced earlier, we are in a better position to solve them. And when we see someone else is going through that kind of problem, we may appreciate his situation and even help him out. But if we see someone is vulnerable of getting into those problems, a part of us think that they should fall into those problem to make themselves stronger. Why is not there any easier way learn the lessons.

Two months back one marriage proposal came for me. I talked with the girl over phone, saw her over net. Well she was a sweet person. But immature and naive. She had a lot of rosy dreams. And when she was expressing her feelings on those terms, I was like how naive is she. And a part of me was just thinking what will happen to her, if she falls into the problem that i faced 4 years before. Well some problems came later on, and I had to say no to her.

I did not know, she would be so devastated. But I had to do that. Its about marriage. And if I had to choose between giving her pain for few months or life time. I would have choose "giving her pain for few months". I was not in love with her. And she deserve better.

Now I am feeling bad all the time. Was I really wishing something bad like that should happen to her. I don't remember. If I did wish like that, then I am an asshole.